Word Count: 1377
Warnings: exhibitionism, humor
Summary: Jared doesn’t realize they are serious about the intervention until Gen busts out the charts.
Author's Notes: Written for Round Two of spn_masquerade for this delightful prompt
Jared doesn’t realize they are serious about the intervention until Gen busts out the charts.
“As you can see in this one, I have been getting laid 27% less in the past three months because lesbians just don’t want to see all of –" she makes weird hand signals at Jared’s junk, and he cradles it protectively in response “--that.”
“That’s not fair!” Jared interjects. “Adrianne told me two weeks ago that my manscaping was impeccable.”
“She waxes crotches for a living, she’s an outlier.”
He barely manages to duck before Gen throws a couch pillow at his head.
Maybe his roommates really meant it this time when they told him to stop being naked all the time.
He flexes one pec, and catches Jensen in his peripheral vision twitching.
It starts young for Jared. The nudity, that is.
“Jared, come back here!” his Mama yells in exasperation, as he runs butt-naked and free-as-a-bird across the lawn as he chases Sadie the dog.
He’s three years old. Butt-naked is optimal at that age. This is common knowledge.
When he’s older, say twelve or thirteen, he’s not exactly running in the backyard anymore, but that’s mostly because his puberty-stricken dick is constantly hard and his big brother Jeff is gross and mean and Jared doesn’t need his commentary, thanks much.
But in his room? Well, ring the bell of freedom, baby, he thinks, as he strips down to his socks and settles in to his bean bag chair to play on his Nintendo.
The real epiphany comes the summer between his sophomore and junior year of college, when he meets a senior named Misha who takes him on a tour of the nude beaches of Europe and teaches him how to smoke weed and give a blowjob without leaving teeth marks.
And if that’s the summer when Jared learns that being nude isn’t just about freedom and maybe a teeny tiny bit about the interested looks he gets…well, he works hard for this body. Why not let others appreciate it, right?
He meets Danneel at the animal shelter where he’s working part-time when she comes in to adopt a ball of white fluff she names Icarus. They start talking and click right away; she’s cute and funny and a grad student at the University. If there was a bone in his body that didn’t like dick, he’d probably have asked her out within four minutes of meeting her.
Luckily for them both, he’s as gay as the display case of glitter at Michael’s Craft Store, but their meeting does lead to her mentioning that she and her roommates just moved into this awesome house off-campus and were looking for a fourth.
Jared’s just a poor vet student at that point, so he eagerly agrees to come see the place.
He doesn’t quite expect the walking wet dream that opens the door the next day, but he can’t pretend it doesn’t make the setup even sweeter.
“You must be Jared,” says the wet dream, cocking one eyebrow and ruining Jared’s life forever.
Danneel’s best friend.
Fellow lover of dick.
Totally not interested in Jared or his hard work.
So it might be true that Jared starts walking around the house naked more, just to try and get a reaction out of Jensen.
It amuses Danneel at first, and there might have been a few nights they don’t talk about when tequila shots turned into letting her measure his dick against a 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew.
Their other roommate, Genevieve, the self-designated “queer Earth goddess”, threw what Jared thinks is either patchouli or dried oregano at him the first time he walked to the bathroom wearing nothing but his birthday suit, but at the time he figured it was a pagan spiritual blessing and he did a little bow to her that only swung his dick a little bit.
But Jensen? Well, the first time Jared walked out of his room naked in front of him, Jensen’s eyes opened as wide as an anime princess as he jumped up off the couch and crashed into the coffee table.
Jared would have preened more at that reaction if Jensen wasn’t forced to wear a splint on his first two toes for three weeks.
After that, Jensen usually just avoids him when he catches a glimpse of skin, which of course just makes Jared do it even more.
It’s like the never-ending story, but with more cock.
Gen’s charts are just starting to merge into one big color-coded rainbow when Jensen finally jumps up off the couch and interrupts.
“For the love of God, Jared, why are you always naked?”
Jared squints at him, considering his options. Does he come right out with the truth - that he’s been trying to entice Jensen into seeing him as the sex object he wants to be instead of the roommate that makes him break bones? Or does he go the other route--which is just as honest--that natural air on his balls feels freaking great.
“My balls. And you. With my balls. My balls want you. And natural air.”
Jared blinks. That didn’t come out exactly the way he wanted it to.
"Enough!” Danneel bellows from the recliner, where Jared thought she had fallen asleep somewhere between the lesbian sex statistics and Jared’s pec twitching.
“Danni,” Jensen says sternly, staring at her with an expression that Jared can’t quite read.
“Oh, shut up, Jensen. You are as dumb as Jared, I swear to God,” Danneel replies, huffing a laugh and hopping up from her seat. Moments later, she’s stripping off her own top and waving it around her head like the world’s most enthusiastic stripper before tossing it at Jensen’s head.
“Oh.My.Gosh,” Gen exclaims, but she’s peeking through her fingers at Danneel, who is shaking her bare tits to a rhythm only she can hear.
“Danni,” Jensen repeats, this time on a groan as he falls back to the couch.
She turns to Jared, who only has a second to admire her goods – seriously, he might be gay but boobs are fun--before she’s addressing him this time. “Jared, listen to me. Jensen’s been hot for your ass since he opened the door the first time. He only runs away from your naked dick because he thinks fucking you would ruin things, because he’s a fatalistic misanthropic grandpa.”
Jared giggles, because that is so Jensen.
“And you!” Danneel continues, coming over and pointing one finger in the middle of his bare chest. “Instead of just asking Jensen out like a normal human being, you turned this house into a nudist colony.”
“You are half-naked,” Jared points out, gesturing at her boobs.
She grabs them and shakes them a bit triumphantly. “Yes, but I’m proving a point.” She pauses. “And natural air feels amazing on my nipples.”
“Ha! That’s what I was saying about my balls. It’s awesome, right? You should try --”
Jared’s cut off suddenly by the feel of Jensen’s mouth over his own and, hey, when did he get up from the couch?
Wait. Jensen is kissing him.
Jared gets with the program quickly, sliding his hands up to cradle the back of Jensen’s neck and pull him in deeper to the kiss. Jensen opens for him so beautifully, his mouth hot and wet as the Jared slides his tongue past the barrier of teeth and meets Jensen’s for the first taste of him.
It takes a moment before they both realize where exactly they are, and Jared pulls back to look at the girls sheepishly.
“No,” Gen says, pointing her index finger at Jared’s erection and gathering her charts before leaving the room.
“Yes,” Danneel adds, giving Jared’s erection a thumbs up and a wink, before jiggling her way out behind Gen.
“I am not a misanthrope,” Jensen insists with a pout, but he’s pushing Jared back into the chair and climbing into his lap, so it’s a win-win situation for everyone involved.
“Of course not, grandpa,” Jared replies, taking only a moment to consider the charts that will come from Gen finding out they fucked on the IKEA sofa, before pulling Jensen back in for another kiss.