Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? (tebtosca) wrote,
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

FIC: Head Over Hooves (Jared/Jensen NC-17)

Title: Head Over Hooves
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 3138 words
Warnings: intoxicated were-moose Jared and attempted anatomically incorrect knotting

Summary: Jared turns 21 and his human friends tell him it's time to celebrate.

Author's Notes: Written for ephermeralk, based on a rather imaginative prompt. Hope you like it, bb! ♥

Cross-posted to smpc as my (VERY LATE, I'M SORRY) February entry. Thanks to fiercelynormal for the speedy beta.

Special thanks to my flist for voting in my entirely scientific moose penis poll

“Beware the apples, Jared.”

His mother’s voice is in his head, a remembered warning that Jared’s fuzzy head struggles to find the relevance in.

“Whoa, there, big fella.”

That drawl is most definitely not his mom’s voice. Jared squints to see where it’s coming from, and all he can make out is what appears to be twin shapes. Very male shapes. Tall, uniformed male shapes.

Hmmm. Maybe not twins. Maybe just double vision. But damn if that vision isn’t smoking hot.

Jared hiccups.

Tastes like apples, Jared thinks, before the world goes dark and he passes out.


“Come on, Jared, you have to,” Chad says, slinging an arm around Jared shoulders.

“Chad’s right—“ Gen says.

“For a change,” Jared interrupts, as Chad snorts and tightens the hold around his neck.

“Touché,” Gen continues. “Only time you ever hear those words out of my mouth.”

“You only turn twenty-one once in your life,” Aldis adds.

“See!” Chad exclaims. “You can go back to being lame after tonight.”

“Your face is lame,” Jared replies, and even Gen groans at that, the traitor.

“So it’s settled, tonight we are getting young Padawan wasted,” Rosey says, coming out of nowhere with Jared’s jacket.

“And maybe we can even get the man laid,” Gen says, eyes twinkling like the devil.

”Gen,” Jared whines pitifully, but lets her and Rosey manipulate his limbs into his jacket and push him towards the door.


Winchester Village is a sleepy little college town in Upstate New York, right near the border. It’s an idyllic place, great for both nature lovers and students looking for a quiet atmosphere at a small Liberal Arts institution.

It’s also a perfect hideaway for a small family of were-moose, otherwise known as the Padalecki clan.

As the story goes, Jared’s great-grandfather Jim stumbled upon the small town after becoming stuck in his animal form and chased across the border by disgruntled Mounties. Jim, as is customary for most moose, was a solitary creature, but was discovered, alone and injured, by a kind human woman named Samantha, who nursed him back to health.

That woman ended up being Jared’s great-grandmother, and the Padalecki family grew throughout the years to be a firmly established—-albeit secret—-part of the community.

Jared’s in his junior year of college and while he’s relatively popular and has a solid social circle of friends, he’s always been careful to not let the family secret get out. That alone has meant that Jared has to beg off doing other things that guys his age might do – like partying and hooking up.

But tonight is his twenty-first birthday, and the full bloods sure love their customs, so he goes along with it because peer pressure is a bitch.

Okay, and maybe he’s just the teeniest bit lonely. Maybe a little liquor will help loosen him up to the possibility of a little fun that doesn’t involve being worried about how different his junk is.

They head over to Kane’s, the local bar tucked out in the middle of nowhere so the student crowd can mix with the grizzled old townies and be as loud as they want without disturbing anyone.

Aldis waves over to Kane himself behind the bar, and then wrangles them a booth tucked into the corner of the bar. Gen, tiny as she is, manages to push Jared all the way in until he’s smashed against the wall.

“So you can’t escape!” she tells him with a giggle, and Jared begins to wonder if they all started boozing before they left the dorms.

The other guys go to the bar and come back with two trays of drinks and a heaping bowl of in-shell peanuts. Jared tries to be discrete about chewing the shells, but his inner animal needs the fiber so he lets Gen look at him in confusion as he chomps happily.

Rosey places shot glasses down in front of each of them, saving Jared’s for last and sliding it over to him with dramatic flourish. This is technically his first drink, mainly because his family avoids any kind of attention—particularly the illegal sort—that might out them.

“Bottoms up!” Rosey salutes, and the group raises their glasses and takes the shot.

Jared’s face twists up and he almost spits the bitter liquid back across the table into Chad’s hysterically laughing face.

“That’s disgusting!” he grumbles, and Gen is practically on his lap as she shakes with laughter.

“Not a licorice fan, huh?” Rosey snickers, but passes along a different glass with a light amber liquid in it.

“What’s that?” Jared asks suspiciously, his face already burning from the first shot. Maybe this “getting drunk” thing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

“This one is much sweeter, you’ll love it,” Rosey replies, and Gen actually picks up Jared’s hand to place the glass inside of it.

Jared sniffs it before he drinks.

Hmm, smells like apples, he thinks, and something niggling at the back of his mind tells him that should be a warning sign.

He tips it back anyway. Rosey is right, he does love it!


He loves eleven more shots of it.

Unfortunately, so does his inner animal, who is now tickling the inside of Jared’s brain with its antlers.

“I gotta go!” Jared says, panic building inside of him as he pushes Gen out of the way to get out of the booth. He’s hasn’t felt this out of control since he was just a kid learning how to shift, and he knows that if anyone sees him, then his entire family is in danger.

“Don’t pee on yourself,” Chad slurs.

Jared makes a wounded noise and stumbles his way to the exit, not listening to the worried cries of his friends behind him.

He just makes it to the edge of the forest before the moose comes out.


Jared’s in that weird twilight stage that usually only comes in the moment in-between changing from his human body to his animal form. When the bones break and elongate and the fur covers his skin and the shag of his bangs forms antlers. It doesn’t hurt per se, but it is a strangely quiet moment in time.

Now though, the quiet time is broken by the distinct sound of voices. The drawl from before is there, along with another, lighter voice. Jared can hear them, but he finds that he can’t move a muscle, not even his eyelid to see who is talking about him.

“How did he get stuck in a tree like that?”

“Not a clue, but it’s gotta be uncomfortable.”

There’s a strange buzzing sound and Jared can feels himself being jostled. The deeply lethargic feeling keeps him immobile.

“Just one more minute and it should….watch out!”

Jared can feel himself falling, the ground hard-packed dirt below his fur. Jared’s pretty sure that is going to hurt in the morning.

“Damn, what do you think is happening to him?”

“Not sure, but we had some animals out by Mitch’s farm who ate some fermented apples off his tree and were staggering around the yard like Chris when he’s drunk.”

“Don’t reckon I’ve ever seen a drunk moose before.”

“Me, neither, but It’ll make a good story one day, won’t it?”

Jared wants to protest that he’s not that drunk, but the fact that he’s lying on the ground in moose-form unable to open his eyes is telling him otherwise.

“Should we let him sleep it off or call animal control?”

“Nah, let him sleep it off. I’ll stay with him and make sure he gets to the right place.”

“You sure about that? He’s a big one.”

“I’m sure. I have my tranq gun just in case. You go home to Mandy and give her a kiss for me.”

“Stop trying to seduce my wife, Ackles.”

“Did that in high school, Cohen.”

Jared snores loudly. Fucking apples.


“Holy shit!”

Jared groans, now definitely feeling every single muscle in his body. He freezes then, realizing that he can hear the groan that just came out of his mouth. His now very-human-again mouth.

“Holy shit!” the not-Jared-person repeats, and Jared knows without a doubt that he’s totally fucked.

“Hi?” Jared says, going for genial as he looks up and gives the man a little wave. It’s just edging towards dawn and the sky is still dark enough that he’s having a problem seeing the man beyond just the shape of his body.

“Jared Padalecki?”


The man steps closer into Jared’s view and with a sinking heart he realizes that it’s Jensen Ackles, his brother’s best buddy from high school and the focus of every one of Jared’s “hey, I guess I really am gay” wet dreams.

Or, judging by the well-tailored khaki of his Sheriff’s office uniform, it’s Deputy Ackles now.

Jensen has his tranquilizer gun out and held close to his chest, but it’s no longer pointing at Jared, so that’s a good sign. The look on the man’s ridiculously good-looking face is, as expected, one of shocked disbelief.

“Hey, Jensen. Fancy meeting you here.”

“You’re a moose,” Jensen blurts out.

“Or you’re just drunk and this is all an elaborate fever dream,” Jared offers, figuring it can’t hurt to try.

“I’m not the drunk here, Mr. Stuck-in-a-Tree.”

“Yeah, not my finest moment.”

Jared knows he should be absolutely terrified that he’s managed in one night to out a secret that has lasted through three previous generations, but his head is pounding like someone dropped an anvil on it, and there are branches poking him in his ass.

His very naked ass. Fuck.

His hands fly to try and cover his dick before Jensen can see too much, but realizes it’s probably futile.

Jensen’s face has taken on a serious, all-business expression and Jared gulps in anticipation.

“Jared, you need to tell me what the hell is going on. And don’t lie to me because I know what I just saw.”

Jared’s mind races, trying to figure out the best cover story he can find, but the look in Jensen’s eyes tells him that there’s nothing he can say besides the truth. Taking a deep breath, he gives Jensen the greatest hits of the Padalecki were-moose family tree.

Jensen’s been respectfully quiet the whole time Jared is telling it, and Jared is grateful for that. It’s not every day that you have to sit naked in the dirt and tell your teenage crush that your family turns into wild animals that seem to have an allergic reaction to apple Schnapps.

Afterwards, Jared watches as Jensen swallows hard and gets out his first question, which is, unsurprisingly, about Jared’s brother.

“So Jeff is a were-moose, too? All this time and he never told me?”

“Nobody knows, Jensen. It’s not safe for us.”

Jensen looks thoughtful at that, but doesn’t say anything.

Jared, suddenly even more uncomfortable than before, starts standing up while attempting to maintain some level of modesty. The residual warmth of the liquor and fur is wearing off, and he starts shivering from the cold.

That seems to shock Jensen into action, and he hurriedly takes rushes over to the trunk of his car to get out a blanket. He offers it to Jared, who takes it gratefully and wraps it around himself.

“So what now?” Jensen asks.

“I don’t know, really. I don’t want to go back to the dorms because I’m just not ready to deal with my friends. And if I go to my parents’ house they will totally know that something bad happened.” Jared gives him a small smile. “My mom has a sixth sense about me getting into trouble.”

Jensen clears his throat, his cheeks slightly flushed, and if Jared didn’t know better, he would think that the man was nervous. “Well, you can come back to my place for a bit. Shower and sleep off one hell of a hangover.”

Jared is surprised, to say the least, but Jensen looks sincere and hasn’t run screaming from him yet, so it’s a good sign. “Don’t you have to work?”

Jensen shrugs and smiles at that. “I was actually off a few hours ago, but wanted to stay and make sure the moose didn’t cause any trouble.” His blush intensifies when he realizes what he just said. “I mean, you. The moose. You are the moose.”

Jared has to laugh because finally someone knows about him and it’s liberating at the same time that it’s terrifying. And Jensen Ackles is the cutest thing that ever existed and is offering to take him back to his house, which is a literal dream come true. Jared wants to be nervous, but there’s just enough apple booze in his veins to keep him calm.

“Yeah, I’m the moose.”


Jensen’s shower is amazing, if only because it’s hot and steady and gets the leaves out of where they are clinging to his ass crack. He wraps a towel around his waist and steps out into the hallway to ask Jensen if he has a pair of sweats he can borrow.

What he doesn’t expect is for Jensen to be staring down at the obvious shape of Jared's dick behind the towel.

Oh. Oh.

“I know, it’s kind of embarrassing,” Jared says, and he can feel where his neck is heating up.

“Embarrassing?” Jensen asks, his eyes tearing themselves away from Jared’s dick and up to his face.

“Yeah,” Jared says, squirming to the side a bit to hide his discomfort. “When I’m a moose, my dick is a good sixteen inches, but as a human it shrinks to like twelve. Super embarrassing, I know.”

Jensen makes a high-pitched squeaking noise that Jared finds both mildly disturbing and hot, and turns bright pink. He’s taken off his uniform shirt and is only in a tight white undershirt, and Jared can see the color go all the way down his neck and sneak into the curve of the opening.

“Can I see it? Um, for science.”


“Yeah, science.

“Oh.” Jared says dumbly, before he realizes that Jensen Ackles is asking to see his dick and the towel drops so fast that the poor thing is probably dizzy.

Jensen makes that same noise, and then another one, this time pitched much, much lower. A growl, if you will. He stares up at Jared from behind his eyelashes, and damn, Jared needs to learn that trick.

“You really shouldn’t feel embarrassed by that.”

A warm fuzzy feeling rushes over Jared and lands right in his dick, which decides to salute Jensen for his trouble.

It’s about two seconds after that when Jared finds himself pressed butt-naked against the wall of the hallway as a fully-clothed Jensen devours Jared’s tongue with his own.

Jared is dizzy with desire, confusion, and the lingering effects of thirteen shots, but he’s completely on board with whatever Jensen seems to be going after.

“This is so inappropriate,” Jensen pants out, but continues biting kisses into Jared’s neck. “You’re Jeff’s little brother, and probably still drunk, and a goddamn moose, I mean seriously, what am I doing?

“You’re hopefully going to help me get laid, because my dick feels like it’s going to fall off it something doesn’t happen soon,” Jared replies helpfully, pressing his groin forward for added emphasis.

Jensen bares his teeth at that, and Jared wonders which one of them is really the wild animal. “Your goddamn dick.”

“…is lonely, so come on!”

Jared doesn’t know how they manage to stumble to Jensen’s bedroom without tripping and killing themselves, but before he knows it, Jensen is pushing him back on the bed and ripping off his own clothes as efficiently as a stripper at a bachelor party. Now that is something they need to explore later.

Jensen folds himself between Jared’s legs, nudging his thighs apart as he looks at Jared’s dick like it’s the Holy Grail. Jensen licks those plush pink lips a few times, and Jared whimpers at the sight. He can feel the copious amounts of pre-come starting to waterfall over the crown of his dick, and before he even gets out another whine, Jensen is right there lapping it up with the hot flat of his tongue.

“Oh god!” Jared yelps, which he thinks is an expected reaction for the first time having a mouth on his penis.

“I knew you were a big boy but never imagined how big,” Jensen says, voice completely gleeful, and Jared stops to muse about Jensen thinking of him back when Jared was a gangly teenager just hitting his growth spurt. That thought is cut off when Jensen swallows as much of him as he can—about halfway—and the head of it bumps into the back of Jensen’s throat.

Jensen holds it there for a minute, his throat milking the head of Jared’s dick in just the right way that the base of it starts swelling.

Jensen pulls off and looks at the knob that is growing at the base of Jared’s dick, right where Jensen’s hands have been kneading the part that couldn’t fit in his mouth.

“Is it swelling? Are you okay?”

Jared squeezes his eyes shut. Oh shit, he forgot about his knot.

“Yeah, it’s fine. We’re just Canadian.”

Jensen makes another happy noise and goes back to sucking Jared’s dick like his life depends on it.

Just before Jared’s about to come, Jensen pulls off completely and climbs over him to get supplies out of the drawer. He sits back on Jared’s thighs and then stares down at Jared’s dick, which Jared proudly notices has engorged at least another inch, and then back at the small condom packet in his hand.

“I don’t think it’ll fit,” Jensen says, his face twisted up into the saddest expression Jared’s ever seen.

Jared clears his throat and turns bright red with his next confession. “Well, I’m a virgin, so.”

Now it’s Jensen’s dick that grows at that little bit of information, but he still shakes his head. “But I’m not, and I wouldn’t do anything to put you at risk.”

Jared’s warm all over at that, although he's mourning the fact that it’s not looking likely that he’ll manage to get his dick in Jensen after all.

Jensen must see the expression change on Jared’s face, because he’s leaning down and pressing into his space, lips hovering half a centimeter away. “That only means we can’t tonight. Don’t think that I’m not going to have this monster inside of me as soon as I can find either an open clinic or some Magnum XXLs.”

As Jensen slides down his body and takes Jared’s cock back inside the warm cavern of his mouth, Jared can safely say that this turned out to be his best birthday ever.

Thank God for apples.

Tags: crack, fic, jared/jensen
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